


Non timebo mala, nisi ipse

by Tea1810



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, F/M, Hurts So Good, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Sam, What Have I Done, angst overload, mentions of previous self harm, poor baby, why have i done this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-24 01:02:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12001665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea1810/pseuds/Tea1810
Summary: Probably not the most accurate title hopefully google translate didnt fail me, it is i fear no evil, except my own. well thats what is supposed to say. This is 10 years after Jess has died and Sam my poor little moose isn't in a very good place. This piece of fiction does have some dark elements so if any of the tags are a trigger for you might not be a good idea to read.





	Non timebo mala, nisi ipse

**Author's Note:**

> No timebo mala, nisi ipse. Probably not the most accurate title hopefully google translate didnt fail me, it is i fear no evil, except my own. well thats what is supposed to say. This is 10 years after Jess has died and Sam my poor little moose isn't in a very good place. This piece of fiction does have some dark elements so if any of the tags are a trigger for you might not be a good idea to read. I had some intense Jess and Sam feels and I had to write something. I hope that those of you who do read it enjoy it. Tea1810 x

* * *

Sam sat on the edge of his bed in the bunker, a bottle of whiskey, half empty to his right. His hands in a ratty old shoebox, his hands had a slight tremor as he pawed through the important memories he had put inside. With their life on the road they never kept anything that wasn't important, but Sam had tried to keep the important things. When Dean stopped wearing the amulet that Sam gave him that went inside, his letter of acceptance into Stanford, all of the report cards he had managed to keep, the letters he wrote to his mom when he was sad. Photos that Bobby had taken over the years of himself and Dean, the odd photo even contained his father and Bobby himself. He even had a card he had written for Dean that as a boy in class they had to write a letter to their parents thanking them for everything, Sam had written his for Dean. And right at the bottom of this old shoebox was his most precious and purest memories, yet they were also the saddest. They all revolved around one special person, Jessica Lee Moore. His Jess, if he was going to stay away from hunting it would have been easy with Jess. He didn't have much left of her he lost a lot in the fire. But what he had managed to keep he cherished and protected with every fibre of his being.

All he had left of her was a couple of pictures, one was of the two of them. His arms wrapped around her waist a broad smile on both of their faces. A smile that hadn't appeared on Sam’s face since she had died. The other picture was just of her, there had been a ball for the law department and she had naturally gone as his date. She wore a plum red dress and her hair was down, Sam liked it when it was down more natural, her bright smile drew him straight in. The twinkle of her eyes, she was the most and still is the most beautiful woman Sam has ever laid eyes on. And much to his despair and regret over the years his memory of her had faded away. He struggled to remember the important little details like how her lips turned up at the corners, how near her ear she had a little scar where she had first learnt to straighten her hair and got her ear. Or how her voice sounded everything from the way she spoke or said his name, even her laugh, all of it gone.

Right in the corner of the shoebox sat an even smaller blue velvet box, with trembling fingers he opened it and inside sat a delicate ring, a silver band with tiny diamonds set into the band. That he had bought a month before Dean had dropped in and said those words, that little sentence that ruined his normal life “Dad hasn't been home in a few days.”, he had planned to propose to her on their anniversary. But that was 10 years ago and in a few days it would be the 10 year anniversary of her death. She had been dead longer then they had ever known each other but her death changed him, impacted him, crushed him. He put the ring back, holding the picture of just her stroking her face with his thumb, he took another swig from his bottle. That bright smile, that he never deserved to see, it killed him inside to see it. He deserved to go back to hell, he should be dead and Jess alive. It was all his fault that she… that she was gone. He drank some more of his whiskey. “We will be together again, Jess, one day.” he whispered

When death had been almost certain, when he could feel the life leave his body, a strange sense of relief washed over him, at the thought of seeing her again. A small part of him furious when he would come back or just managed to escape dying, because it meant that he didn't get to see her. He felt guilty for wanting that, thinking of what it would do to Dean to hear him think like that. He knows he shouldn't wish for death and that Jess wouldn't want that for him but good lord he can’t stop thinking about it. That when he gets close to death that calmness returns to his body filling him. Everything he had started to forget about her returning to him.

In all honesty, he was just tired of trying at this point, God… Chuck had brought him back so many times for some sort of reason but he honestly couldn't see his role in anything, he was a constant fuck up. He had been the problem of so many things. He remembered how before his friendship with Cas got better that he had always disliked him, after all he had the demon blood within him he was Lucifers vessel, he remembered Cas drunkenly calling him an abomination and Sam knew that Cas wasn't lying, of course he was how could he not be? After all he had done. Billy had been right what dies should stay dead. Sam’s fists clenched around the bed sheets anger rising in his body. Taking another drink finishing the bottle. Something inside him snapped and he chucked the bottle at the wall screaming as he did so. The sobs made his body tremble it didn't take long before Dean and his mom came running through the door. “Sam whats going on?” his mother asked concerned But Dean knew he saw the shoebox he saw the picture at the top of it, “Its not your fault Sam.” he whispered Sam stood up, towering over them “Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Of course its my fault!” he shouted “Whats your fault Sammy?” His mom said stroking his arm Sam picked up the picture of Jess and shoved it into his mom’s face “This is the girl that I loved and I murdered her!” “Sammy you didn't murder her, Azazel did that.” Dean said, Dean took a step forward “You do this to yourself every year Sam. And every year I will tell you the same thing cause its true goddamn it!” “You didn’t do this Sam, I did if I hadn't made that deal with him none of this would of happened.” she said lowering her head in shame Maybe he was crashing from the alcohol, the sombre thoughts sobering him up, or just the gravity of everything crashing down on him. He dropped to the ground sitting on his legs, Dean instantly by his side “Don’t you dare do this to me again Sammy! Don't you dare do it again! I can’t lose you again.” Dean said His arms wrapped around his younger brother holding him to his chest, the comforting smell of leather, gunpowder and alcohol grounding him in place. He limply wrapped his arms around Dean, sobs vibrating through their bodies. They sat like that for ages until Sam calmed down enough for Dean to get him into bed, and cleaning up the shards of the glass bottle from the floor.

“Should we really leave him, he seemed pretty shaken up?” Mary asked her eldest son “He’s sleeping he will be alright.” Dean whispered They walked through to the kitchen where he put the bag of glass shards in the bin. “Dean can I ask you something?” she asked “Her name was Jess, they met at Stanford, Sam was going to propose to her, if I hadn't come and dragged him back into all of this.” Dean stated “Oh god.” She whispered “Does he get like this every year?” Dean nodded “More or less. A couple of years ago it was really bad. Sam was really low and he asked Cas if she was in heaven. Cas told him that she was and her heaven she was with Sam, they were a family. Something snapped and he hurt himself real bad.” “Shouldn’t we be with him then?” she asked “I went in a few days ago took away anything dangerous. I have done this for 10 years and in all honesty he is better by himself to his memories he doesn't need us there ruining it, but just keep an ear out.” he said “Give him a couple days, he will come out to get food and go straight back to his room but in a few days he will be ok.” Dean walked to the entrance of the kitchen “It really sucks all I want is to go in there and make him listen to me but that wont help. It hurts to see him like this but he needs it, needs to remember her.” He walked away leaving his mother in the kitchen, he walked past Sam’s room checking on him silently, peering in through the small gap in the door to see Sam laying in bed, the picture of Jess in his hands. Pulling the door closed he walked away.

Sam laid still he knew Dean was checking on him and he appreciated it knowing he was there but not in his face. He stared at his Jess tears in his eyes. “One day Jess, I promise.”

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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